Help me out here...Please! Part 2

... But first, a digression.


In my last post, I all-capped the word GLOBAL everywhere it appeared, to call attention to the fact that a GLOBAL company has certain charactistics not usually found in a smaller company; namely, its size. Calling a GLOBAL company and asking for "Michelle" or "the senior VP" or "someone in the IT department" is kind of like going to a bookstore and asking for "that book by that lawyer guy." Umm, could you be a little more specific?

Something else about a GLOBAL company is that we get a lot of job applicants. An awful lot of job applicants. Like a few hundred of them a day, every day, all of whom seem to want personal attention. Note to the concerned parties: you can't have it. Not because you're not special enough, and not because it's a test you have to pass to prove that you really want it badly enough, and certainly not because I Don't Understand The Situation (more on that later). It's because we are a GLOBAL company, and a few hundred apps a day divided by eight hours gives you a quotient of "everybody's busy".

All of that being said, I'm going to stop hammering on GLOBAL, because my arm is getting tired, and anyway, I need to change weapons for finesse work.

If you want to get a job at our GLOBAL-- excuse me, global company, here are some things that might make your life a little bit easier. Put them into practice, and mine might get a little easier too. 'Preciate it.

1) Understand that it's not about you. Ever. I don't mean to be unnecessarily harsh, but we're the ones with the need, and it's going to cost us someone's entire annual salary, plus benefits and infrastructure, to fill it. In other words, we're the customer and you're the provider. You understand that we're going to be fairly discerning about where we choose to spend that kind of money.

2) Do your homework. If you want our money, you should know something about our needs. This is why we have a website.

3) Special note for college students: our different sites have different functions. It's not like a restaurant chain. So, if your field is finance and all the open positions are in big financial areas like New York and Chicago, and not in the little college/party town you're calling from-- there's a reason for that.

4) Another special note for college students: talking with a recruiter at a campus job fair does not automatically give you an inside track to a job with Global Expertise Corporation. He talked to 500 students that day. So did his partner. So did the lady who's up the road at the other college. So did that other guy who flew out to UCLA. You have to go through the system like everybody else.

5) Your contact's name is your key to the city. Don't lose it, or you won't get past the gate. See the first paragraph of this post. In fact, see most of yesterday's post.

6) Believe me when I tell you that there's only One Way Through The System. It's set up that way for a reason. Our recruiters are the ones who did it. They don't particularly want to take time out of their day to break their own system in order to make your life easier and theirs more complicated.

7) I can't help you beat the system. I can't put you in contact with anyone who can. I couldn't do it even if you had a gun to my head, because they didn't give me the numbers. They know that if they did, eventually I would crack under torture, fall to the Dark Side, and call one of them. They did it for a reason. See #6 above.

8) Corollary to #7: I also can't clarify the position description for you, give you the name of the hiring manager, provide feedback on your application, or connect you with anyone who can. That extra "personal touch that means so much" is not going to be an advantage in this particular case the way it would be in a smaller office.

9) No matter how many years you have in the field, what you got your PhD in, what your military rank is/was, or whether you're trying to place a third party candidate, there is still Only One Way Through The System. It is not because you have failed to impress me with your importance; I have spent most of my life in the DC area and I assure you that I most certainly do Understand The Situation. If for some reason you do not, I will be glad to spell it out for you in proper military phonetics.

10) This one's for all the headhunters and executive search agents out there: Don't call me. And if you get me by accident, don't ask me for names. Seriously-- you want me to help a complete stranger poach off the top talent from the organization that graciously provides me the means to live indoors? You know, they used to shoot poachers 'way back when, but those were kinder, gentler days.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you at your convenience-- provided you've actually been paying attention. Trust me, it's a skill you'll need here.