Anyway, usually it's not too bad. But then there are days... Days like, oh, say, Tuesday, when about every fifth call was some person who required special handling for a Situation That Was Not Like Everyone Else's (except that it really was, including the part about it not being my job to do their homework), and the other four kept coming in on rapid-fire, so close together that there wasn't even time to swallow a spoonful of chili in between. You know those days... Days where you stagger out the door battered and limp, wanting only to drop whimpering into a comfy chair with a bag of salt-and-vinegar potato chips and watch CSI reruns until your brain re-congeals...but you can't, because you have class tonight and it's going to be seven (!!) more hours until you get home. And besides, you're out of chips.
So, in the interests of your tax dollars not having to support me when my head finally explodes from the pressure of holding my formidable sense of sarcasm in check for eight hours at a time, please take a moment to read these thoroughly reasonable guidelines for dealing with the person who answers the phone.
In no particular order:
1) Have the correct name of the party you're looking for. "Frank Thompson" and "Fred Johnson" are not the same person, and a directory search for one will not bring up the other. It doesn't matter that he's a senior VP. We have about 300 of those, so the description doesn't help. And oh by the way, if you're doing business with a senior VP at a GLOBAL company, then you should be able to remember his name.
2) Likewise, don't call a GLOBAL company and ask to speak to "Bill". Or "Joe". Or "Ms. Johnson." Seriously, go to your favorite online phone directory, or snag an old paper copy from the library, and look up "Johnson." Do you see the problem?
3) Enunciate, or hang up.
4) Use your speakerphone Only For Good. Making me say, "Hello, Global Expertise Corporation" three times while you talk to your executive assistant about what to order for lunch is not For Good. Especially since you're having better food than I am.
5) Ditto for your cell phone. If you have to shout over the background noise, go someplace quieter.
6) On the subject of cell phones, check the number before you return that missed call. If the number ends with more than one zero, chances are really good that the receptionist will have no idea who called you from that number. Our company is called GLOBAL Expertise for a reason. If it was really important, the caller would have left voice mail. If they did, and you were too lazy to check it, shame on you. Shame.
7) Be honest about your motives. You are not looking to "send some information to the director of Accounting." You are trying to get us to do business with you. Tell me that on the front end, and you'll get connected to the right person a lot more quickly.
8) Corollary to #7: if you have walked into our office with the intention of acquiring new business now or at any point in the future, and you do not have an appointment, you are soliciting. Read the sign on the door, and choose wisely. Do NOT try to argue semantics with me; I'm Irish, I rocked the verbals on the GRE, and I have the security desk on speed-dial.
9) Corollary to #8: if you do choose to solicit, be honest about the company you're representing. You "office supply" guys who really work for XYZ Marketing-- I know about you. I'm nice enough not to mention your name on a public forum, but the people who wrote "Why XYZ's Parent Company Sucks" were more than glad to pick up my slack. And you don't even want to know what's going to happen if you get kicked out of our building a third time.
10) Unless you're a policeman, firefighter, EMT, or the nanny of my boss's children, you do not need to interrupt his meeting. I need my job a lot more than you need an answer in the next five seconds.
Got it? Good.
Still don't understand what the fuss is about? Don't see your particular offense-- uh, situation-- listed here? Then you're probably a job search candidate. Not to worry-- I'll get to you tomorrow.
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