Friday, October 19, 2007

Oh, for the love of...

This is a topic that probably should have been #11 on the "Help me out here... Part 1" post, but I forgot it. And I was just going to leave it alone, until one of my switchboard sisters here at Global Expertise specifically asked me to add it. Hey, if it'll add 33% to my readership...

And I'm switching back to the hammer, because this particular connection doesn't seem to be lighting up a few of our dimmer bulbs, and I figured a little percussive maintenance might help to fix the problem. Or at least make a few of us feel better.

Here's the take-home from today's lesson: we can't make them talk to you.

We can transfer you to their extension, we can provide an alternate number IF there is one in the directory, and we can give you their e-mail address, but we can't make them talk to you.

We also can't tell you whether or not they're in prior to transferring you. This is partly because they are all adults, and don't need to come to us for a hall pass before they go to the potty. And partly because we are a GLOBAL company, so if they did all have to come to us first, there would be so many people streaming in our door that we wouldn't have any time to answer the phone (see "recruiting").

We also can't run paper messages over to their office, for three reasons. One is because, by the time we get there, you will have run out of patience (or someone more important will have called you) and you will have hung up. Trust me on this one. And the other two reasons are because A) if we did that we would spend so much time away from our desks that the only way we could answer our own messages would be by e-mail (see "recruiting") and B) it would generate a truly obnoxious amount of paper (see "global warming").

If we transfer you and it goes directly to voice mail, that is not a mistake on our part. It was a deliberate setup on their part. When you jump directly back to us to complain about the voice mail, we will be glad to transfer you to someone else, IF you have their name, but we can't make them talk to you.

Corollaries: We can't make them check their voice mail, send a return fax, or answer their e-mail, either.

We apologize for the inconvenience. Sheesh.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Help me out here...Please! Part 2

... But first, a digression.


In my last post, I all-capped the word GLOBAL everywhere it appeared, to call attention to the fact that a GLOBAL company has certain charactistics not usually found in a smaller company; namely, its size. Calling a GLOBAL company and asking for "Michelle" or "the senior VP" or "someone in the IT department" is kind of like going to a bookstore and asking for "that book by that lawyer guy." Umm, could you be a little more specific?

Something else about a GLOBAL company is that we get a lot of job applicants. An awful lot of job applicants. Like a few hundred of them a day, every day, all of whom seem to want personal attention. Note to the concerned parties: you can't have it. Not because you're not special enough, and not because it's a test you have to pass to prove that you really want it badly enough, and certainly not because I Don't Understand The Situation (more on that later). It's because we are a GLOBAL company, and a few hundred apps a day divided by eight hours gives you a quotient of "everybody's busy".

All of that being said, I'm going to stop hammering on GLOBAL, because my arm is getting tired, and anyway, I need to change weapons for finesse work.

If you want to get a job at our GLOBAL-- excuse me, global company, here are some things that might make your life a little bit easier. Put them into practice, and mine might get a little easier too. 'Preciate it.

1) Understand that it's not about you. Ever. I don't mean to be unnecessarily harsh, but we're the ones with the need, and it's going to cost us someone's entire annual salary, plus benefits and infrastructure, to fill it. In other words, we're the customer and you're the provider. You understand that we're going to be fairly discerning about where we choose to spend that kind of money.

2) Do your homework. If you want our money, you should know something about our needs. This is why we have a website.

3) Special note for college students: our different sites have different functions. It's not like a restaurant chain. So, if your field is finance and all the open positions are in big financial areas like New York and Chicago, and not in the little college/party town you're calling from-- there's a reason for that.

4) Another special note for college students: talking with a recruiter at a campus job fair does not automatically give you an inside track to a job with Global Expertise Corporation. He talked to 500 students that day. So did his partner. So did the lady who's up the road at the other college. So did that other guy who flew out to UCLA. You have to go through the system like everybody else.

5) Your contact's name is your key to the city. Don't lose it, or you won't get past the gate. See the first paragraph of this post. In fact, see most of yesterday's post.

6) Believe me when I tell you that there's only One Way Through The System. It's set up that way for a reason. Our recruiters are the ones who did it. They don't particularly want to take time out of their day to break their own system in order to make your life easier and theirs more complicated.

7) I can't help you beat the system. I can't put you in contact with anyone who can. I couldn't do it even if you had a gun to my head, because they didn't give me the numbers. They know that if they did, eventually I would crack under torture, fall to the Dark Side, and call one of them. They did it for a reason. See #6 above.

8) Corollary to #7: I also can't clarify the position description for you, give you the name of the hiring manager, provide feedback on your application, or connect you with anyone who can. That extra "personal touch that means so much" is not going to be an advantage in this particular case the way it would be in a smaller office.

9) No matter how many years you have in the field, what you got your PhD in, what your military rank is/was, or whether you're trying to place a third party candidate, there is still Only One Way Through The System. It is not because you have failed to impress me with your importance; I have spent most of my life in the DC area and I assure you that I most certainly do Understand The Situation. If for some reason you do not, I will be glad to spell it out for you in proper military phonetics.

10) This one's for all the headhunters and executive search agents out there: Don't call me. And if you get me by accident, don't ask me for names. Seriously-- you want me to help a complete stranger poach off the top talent from the organization that graciously provides me the means to live indoors? You know, they used to shoot poachers 'way back when, but those were kinder, gentler days.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you at your convenience-- provided you've actually been paying attention. Trust me, it's a skill you'll need here.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Help Me Out Here... Please! Part 1

After a couple of months trying to find a job that was willing to let me schedule around my classes, I finally landed a position as a switchboard operator/receptionist for Global Expertise Corporation. Not their real name, obviously, because I want to keep this job. Even though it gets frustrating at times, pushing a little button and saying the same things a hundred times a day-- because, you know, usually I'm saying the same things a thousand times a day and pushing everyone else's buttons... (um, that was supposed to be a joke).

Anyway, usually it's not too bad. But then there are days... Days like, oh, say, Tuesday, when about every fifth call was some person who required special handling for a Situation That Was Not Like Everyone Else's (except that it really was, including the part about it not being my job to do their homework), and the other four kept coming in on rapid-fire, so close together that there wasn't even time to swallow a spoonful of chili in between. You know those days... Days where you stagger out the door battered and limp, wanting only to drop whimpering into a comfy chair with a bag of salt-and-vinegar potato chips and watch CSI reruns until your brain re-congeals...but you can't, because you have class tonight and it's going to be seven (!!) more hours until you get home. And besides, you're out of chips.

So, in the interests of your tax dollars not having to support me when my head finally explodes from the pressure of holding my formidable sense of sarcasm in check for eight hours at a time, please take a moment to read these thoroughly reasonable guidelines for dealing with the person who answers the phone.


In no particular order:


1) Have the correct name of the party you're looking for. "Frank Thompson" and "Fred Johnson" are not the same person, and a directory search for one will not bring up the other. It doesn't matter that he's a senior VP. We have about 300 of those, so the description doesn't help. And oh by the way, if you're doing business with a senior VP at a GLOBAL company, then you should be able to remember his name.


2) Likewise, don't call a GLOBAL company and ask to speak to "Bill". Or "Joe". Or "Ms. Johnson." Seriously, go to your favorite online phone directory, or snag an old paper copy from the library, and look up "Johnson." Do you see the problem?


3) Enunciate, or hang up.


4) Use your speakerphone Only For Good. Making me say, "Hello, Global Expertise Corporation" three times while you talk to your executive assistant about what to order for lunch is not For Good. Especially since you're having better food than I am.


5) Ditto for your cell phone. If you have to shout over the background noise, go someplace quieter.


6) On the subject of cell phones, check the number before you return that missed call. If the number ends with more than one zero, chances are really good that the receptionist will have no idea who called you from that number. Our company is called GLOBAL Expertise for a reason. If it was really important, the caller would have left voice mail. If they did, and you were too lazy to check it, shame on you. Shame.


7) Be honest about your motives. You are not looking to "send some information to the director of Accounting." You are trying to get us to do business with you. Tell me that on the front end, and you'll get connected to the right person a lot more quickly.


8) Corollary to #7: if you have walked into our office with the intention of acquiring new business now or at any point in the future, and you do not have an appointment, you are soliciting. Read the sign on the door, and choose wisely. Do NOT try to argue semantics with me; I'm Irish, I rocked the verbals on the GRE, and I have the security desk on speed-dial.


9) Corollary to #8: if you do choose to solicit, be honest about the company you're representing. You "office supply" guys who really work for XYZ Marketing-- I know about you. I'm nice enough not to mention your name on a public forum, but the people who wrote "Why XYZ's Parent Company Sucks" were more than glad to pick up my slack. And you don't even want to know what's going to happen if you get kicked out of our building a third time.


10) Unless you're a policeman, firefighter, EMT, or the nanny of my boss's children, you do not need to interrupt his meeting. I need my job a lot more than you need an answer in the next five seconds.


Got it? Good.



Still don't understand what the fuss is about? Don't see your particular offense-- uh, situation-- listed here? Then you're probably a job search candidate. Not to worry-- I'll get to you tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Long Time No See

...So my last post was in July. No way to soft-pedal it; I've been procrastinating.

I could justify it, perfectly reasonably, by saying, "...well, first I started volunteer-mentoring a friend in trouble, then I got laid off right before school started, then school DID start and I had to try and find a job in addition to studying... blah blah blah..."

I'm not always reasonable, but I do try to be honest. I've been procrastinating. One reason is that I felt like there was a huge, gaping inconsistency in my last post, and I had no idea how to address it. Not that anyone was demanding I explain myself-- as far as I know, only 2 people beside myself have even read it (how sad is that??)-- but I just felt the urge. Blame it on my upbringing. The other reason was because I didn't really have anything to say other than, "well, first I started volunteer-mentoring a friend in trouble, then I got laid off right before school started... blah blah blah..." Hence, no posts.

I tried to address the first half a couple of weeks ago; I started a post and saved it but never got back to it. I guess my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Probably that explaining my need to explain myself is unnecessary and annoying. So I won't bother. And as far as my supposed gaping inconsistency goes--namely, what a self-described Grey Triber was doing in a spiritual workshop anyway--all I have to say is this: I'm Irish. Union of Opposites. Read the profile.

As for the second half, that part where I didn't particularly have anything to say at the moment, it seems to have been a temporary condition. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)